I’m breaking the silence…mostly because I can’t stand to watch it anymore! Social media is inundated with posts “to the girl who got her heart broken.” Daily, my news feed is saturated with dating tips for women, relationship advice for girls, and my favorite: passive aggressive posts about exes. And while I’m not saying ALL of those should stop, it is time for a balance in the blog-force. Because here is a fact that might blow some of your minds….ready?… girls/women/ladies are not the only hearts that get broken. Not only that - men are not the only ones who screw up relationships.
So, before we can dive deep into this series of postings, we must first debunk a few relationship myths. These postings will be largely geared toward men, but ladies you are welcome to follow along.
God has divinely appointed one woman for you to marry, and he will supremely guide you to her.
I know, I know. You heard this growing up. In fact your pastor, youth pastors, and even parents preached it at you in an attempt to steer you clear of dating. But, good luck finding that principle in the Bible. We must be careful when speaking boldly about what God does and does not do, definitively.
I’m not saying He does not have a will for your dating life, but one of my favorite authors and preachers, Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it best: (In Summary) God joins the relationship between a man and a woman at the point of marriage. Before that, the couple has to take the initiative. Rather than directing the course of the relationship (removing your free will choice), God wants the couple to grow and learn how to make a commitment. Once they’ve done that, God increases his sustaining presence.
What if you accidentally in a moment of poor decision-making chose the wrong “one.” Then the one you were supposed to marry has to marry the wrong one. Then the one who was supposed to marry the one marries a different one…and before long, no one has the right one, and YOU screwed up the gene pool of the entire planet. Yeah…glad it doesn’t work that way!
So men, what are you waiting on? The holy glow and angel song is not going to magically appear over the predestined “one.” Your dating life is up to you. Choose wisely.
You plan to “date the Bible way.”
I grew up an Independent Baptist preacher’s kid. I read all the books (forcefully) from “Every Young Man’s Battle” to “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” My grandfather was famous in my high school for his cleverly alliterated phrase, “Dating is for dummies, but courting is for Christians.”
Let me be clear, there are no definitely Biblical principles for dating in the Bible. They didn’t date! They stayed single, courted, or enjoyed an arranged marriage. And from personal experience, I wouldn’t recommend following the antiquated Biblical format in our society. Want to know the best way to NEVER get a first date? Ask the girl’s father without consulting her first. YIKES! #LessonLearned
HOWEVER: There are biblical principles essential to dating. Galatians 5 has a list including gentleness, respect, purity, and kindness. Dating alone? Kiss before marriage? Hand holding? Sorry bud, the Bible doesn’t answer those SPECIFICALLY. But the boundary of conviction and purity is one you should clearly mark and not cross.
We have to be friends for seven years before we date.
WRONG! I might have liberally used the number seven since it often represents perfection. But I hear this myth all the time. Does love often spring from friendship? Yes. The problem lies when a guy tries to befriend a girl while hiding his intentions. If you’re waiting for God to smack you over the head and tell you “she’s the one…start naming your children” that’s not faith…that’s fear of rejection.
I’ve been there. Done that. We had been friends for going on 10 years. We talked on the phone. I was there when she needed me. We loved all the same things. I thought she was perfect…and into our senior year I had watched her date guy after guy, and I was always there to pick up the pieces. Until I overheard her tell her friends, “oh, that’s just Jon. He’s like a brother to me!” Then one day, a guy not so different from me came along. He asked her out, and she said yes. (They’re married now.)
Don’t hide it. Be a man! Doesn’t matter if y'all never touch, wear hazmat suits, group date at church events, and observe the infamous 10 inch rule, “friends” and “dating” are categorically different and hold different expectations. Physical does not equal dating. Mutual intention does.
Your sexuality is sinful.
The Bible is explicit in its instruction to save sexual intimacy for marriage. But if you grew up in an environment like I did, your sexuality was a curse that must constantly be kept in check. Well……yes and no.
Your sex-drive is a part of who you are. If there were no attraction or drive, you’d probably eat yourself fat, win every level of Call of Duty, and perfect your couch to trash can throwing game.
God didn’t wire you this way to torture you. Don’t confuse sexual desires with sin. Yes, they can become sinful. But in their organic nature, they are a gift from God…and that makes them holy. Find a way to get that energy out in a holy and healthy manner before it forces its way out. Pornography and adultery are not the answer. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: an sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. (James 1:15)
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