3 Easy Ways to Transform Caring Into Controlling

It has been in the tagline of a million companies.  Your parents did it. Equivocated with sharing for quite some time,  and also appearing in conjunction with some very special bears;  this attribute goes far beyond mere affection.  We seek to provide it in quality to our customers,  and hospitals provide it in urgent quantities.   Without it people die. It is pivotal to the forward movement of society. In anger we retort WHO does it,  maybe because we don’t give a…. 

CARE.

Recently I was walking through the mall and a billboard caught my eye with a thought provoking question.  When does caring become controlling? The Indianapolis Fashion Mall sign poses an important question: Can one transform  tender loving care into  tyrannical lordship and control?  Sure can, and here’s three easy things you can do to make that happen!

1.  Make Mending Malicious. 

• Don’t ask anyone’s forgiveness.  After all,  that would cost you some of your pride and maybe even make the person you offended feel better than you.  We can’t have that!  
• Leave it at “I’m sorry.”  That allows you to maintain your place as the subject and controller of any further conversation.  Slipping the word “sorry” in there was scary enough….so let’s continue to talk about “I.” 
• Better yet…instead of really apologizing, go ahead and redirect the conversation to the sins of the other party.  Say things like “I know I’m not perfect, but neither are you.” Or, “I know there are things I could have done differently, but YOU definitely could have.” Always direct attention off of yourself and back on the person you think has wronged you. We care so much that we would rather call to repentance than allow the Holy Spirit opportunity to do his own job.

2.  Manipulate Your Marionette 

• Nothing solidifies your grip of control like manipulation.  If people refuse to act the way you think they should,  manipulate them! 
• There are some things you cannot necessarily directly control, but you can criticize what you cannot control, thereby gaining a mental hold on your moldable follower/employee.  Compare their qualities to another person you like more.
• Forget the fact that God makes each individual just that,  AN UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL,  they need to look like you, talk like you, live like you, and think like you.  Take away or refuse to acknowledge anything that contradicts your plan for their future.  You hold the strings!
• Question Everything.  They obviously have not retained an ounce of anything you have ever taught them.  Fret not,  this has no reflection upon your ability as a leader whatsoever…besides, people love having their every move questioned.  We only ask because we care.

3.  Memorialize Mistakes 

•  Nothing is quite as sweet as reminding someone of when they screwed up!  Whether it was yesterday or 10 years ago,  it is your job as the superior to keep a detailed list.  This allows your…well let’s just call them what they really are…SLAVE to understand that only you could make the proper decisions for their life.  
• No matter what the situation, always have an incident ready to report.  Hopefully the more we point out their past mistakes the less they will examine yours….well, if you have any.  Like most controlling people you probably don’t make that many mistakes.
• Your slave will never be competent enough to make their own decisions. So, the more you remind them of their mistakes, the more it feeds your need to be needed.  Why do we call these things to remembrance?  Because we have always cared....

Control is often disguised as care.  In many cases,  control freaks have no grasp of their true identity, and would die on their platform of feigned love.  Caring truly is sharing.  It’s more than equal rights to an object,  its providing all the information needed so that care can be interpreted and received.

It's like the story my grandma tells about the two neighbors.  One neighbor kept his yard pristine, while the other let it grow wild.  The "better" of the two asked his neighbor, "why don't you cut your grass?"  "Well friend," He replied, "My lawn mower is broken."  So the keeper of the pristine yard purchased a brand new riding lawn mower for his neighbor.  After several weeks with the unkempt yard in the same condition, the one approached the other and asked "Why haven't you cut your grass?  Where's the lawn mower I gave you!?"  The unkempt man replied, "Oh,  THANK YOU,  my friend needed a mower so I gave it away."  Infuriated the first neighbor shouted, " I GAVE IT TO YOU TO USE!!!!"   Calmly the man replied, "Oh,  well I thought you had GIVEN me the mower,  I did not realize its stewardship belonged to you."

The God who clothes the grass of the field and feeds the sparrows has placed many things in our care.  He cares for us so much as his children, that he does not force obedience or demand a robotic existence. Just like he did not pursue the rich young ruler,  he does not chase after us.  Our joy in obedience is fulfilled by our personal choice to do so.  If God refuses to control people,  we understand that people are not ours to control,  but to care for.

To the poster of the billboard,  the answer is this:  When does caring become controlling?  When care is given with intent to secure power, seek praise, or sabotage plans. 

"3 Easy Ways To Transform Caring Into Controlling" was inspired by and Indy Mall billboard and written to fit the June theme of Nashville's FaithUnity Street Paper.